Grieving our losses: How to cope with what we've lost during the pandemic

It may be the actual understatement of the year to say that 2020 has been hard. A popular tweet by Simon Holland read, “Don’t know about y'all, but I could really go for some precedented times.” And that resonates. The crippling COVID-19 pandemic has changed our ways of life in stark and unsettling ways: it has brought on the loss of loved ones, the loss of health, the loss of financial security, the loss of routine, the loss of social outlets, the loss of a sense of ease in interacting with others, the loss of communal celebrations and communal mourning, the loss of physical touch and hugs. We have lost so much. 

So what do we do? How do we cope with all that we have lost, all that we are missing, all that we never imagined we would have had to give up? Like with so many other losses, we find that we must mourn. While of course, everyone mourns in their own ways, there are some rituals and practices that can help structure the grieving process and guide us towards healing. 

Pay attention to your feelings

Often it’s easy to want to shut down painful feelings -- because who wants to feel pain? But pushing the pain aside doesn’t make it go away and instead can lead to that pain and grief showing up in other ways. For many people, it can be helpful instead to actually name what you’re feeling and what you’ve lost. It might be useful to write about it in a journal or talk with a friend or to sit quietly and reflect on your own. Anything to allow yourself to truly feel the sadness. 

Notice your strengths and coping skills

How can your internal resources help you move forward? Consider other tough transitions you’ve been through and think about what you did that helped you heal.  Notice how much you’ve already gotten yourself through.  How can you build a sense of gratitude for your own internal resources and tap into them as you process what you’ve lost in the pandemic? 

Stay connected

Part of what is truly unprecedented about this moment is that everyone is going through it at the same time and, more than ever, we need each other. Use phone calls, text messages, video chats, outdoor masked meetups, etc to stay in touch with the people in your life who you can lean on. 

Limit your news intake

It’s always telling to see new phrases and terms arise in our cultural zeitgeist and the existence of the new term “doom scrolling” really speaks to our collective mindset. It’s so easy to turn to the news to either dip our toes into the worst case scenario, look for hope, or just embrace a slide into masochism.  But, of course, too much time focusing on the news can cause us to focus heavily on what we have lost and increase our anxiety and grief. It may help to set structure or limits around “news time” and particularly consider avoiding doom scrolling before bed or in the middle of the night when our rational minds become increasingly hard to access. 

Make meaning

How can we add a sense of purpose and meaning to this difficult time? For some, it can be helpful to ask the question, “How do I want to remember this time” in order to reorient ourselves to consider ways in which we can connect to a sense of meaning, purpose, and even joy in these strange circumstances. Others may find a meaning in tapping into ways to help others or finding a project that they would not have been able to otherwise do. Oftentimes, when we can connect our pain to a sense of meaning and purpose, we find ourselves better able to heal and move forward.